Marvin was in the hospital. He was an old man.

Anyway, there was this young nurse. Everytime she came in, she
talked to him like a little child. She would say in a
patronizing tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning?!"

One day, Marvin had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off
the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine
Bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the
juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at
it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today..."

At this, Marvin snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the
top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again,
and maybe I can filter it better this time."

A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his
wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't
going to get any sex.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold
out?"

"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."