The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed,
and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my
attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be
specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This
vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask
every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate
to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it
is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly
virgins to rise."

And still not a woman stirred.

Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of
experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the
name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!"

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the
rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I
have asked for virgins to stand."

"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really
expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I
must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking
account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language
in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the
manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, damnit!" the man says, "I just won
$50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"