A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away.
So, he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis
into the equipment, turned the switch on and ... voila,
everything else was automatic!!

He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as
much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found
that he could not take the instrument off.

He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He
tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment
squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success.

Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your
company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the
cow's udder?"

Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such
that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk."

Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.
=======================
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.
======================
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.
======================
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.
======================
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
=======================
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying, "Yo"
==========================
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.
=====================
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
=====================
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage, along with a recipe.
=====================
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
======================
What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
======================
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."