A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a
farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's
soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the
vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the
farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim
Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are
you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher
asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna
be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking
a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the
farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't
get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table,
reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article
about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football
player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common
knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll
never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive
wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"