Both of these for today have been around in some form or fashion
for years. Then again, there probably hasn't been a *true* new
joke in 50 years...

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager
to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by
herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the
same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your
friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
fucking goalie!"

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together
for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was
caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause
her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly
every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the
morning. He told her he couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done
but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just
a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as
she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

She told him there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't
stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts
out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went
downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas
pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred
to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into
a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent
husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and
then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then
placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear,
pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs
to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal
loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to
the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up
as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She
bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the
matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me
and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of
God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."