Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamp?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer
with his hands in his own pockets.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once
launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess
up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
A: "Senator."

I broke a mirror in my house the other day. I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck -- but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

Q: Why don't lawyer jokes work?
A: Because lawyers don't find them funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Did you hear about a lawyer that fell overboard from a cruise ship and was last seen circling a school of frightened sharks?