A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring
for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to
her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized
and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look
exactly like her." 

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. 

Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." 

A third grade school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the
word "definitely" in a sentence?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange
depending on the weather."

Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the
teacher.

Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks,
"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! That's
disgusting. Of course not!!!"

"OK... then I have DEFINITELY crapped my pants," said Johnny.