This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die
in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years,
mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man
asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day,
and eeach week the course changed to a new one representing the
great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven.
It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old
man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of
whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your fucking
bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for
six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting
on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is
it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East
over there will be a hot spot and the poles will be cold spots. 
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to
different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large
land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains. The
people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. 
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the people I'm putting
next to them in Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana."