An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give
speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression
on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues
starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he
finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and
thus, ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus,
gentlemen. So my speech started - Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll
go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by
making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before
also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well,"
he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and
groin I was starting my speech by saying - Dear Ladies and
Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll
go one further than those mainland bastards and started his
speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his
chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. 
"Well," he explained "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest,
then my groin and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by
saying - Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great
pleasure......."

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of
money to take its place.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they
are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we
are celebrities.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because
their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away.

Finally, I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a
joke" in 6 languages.